thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”