Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I don’t believe him.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels