Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Lmao 😁

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.