Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Perfect
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*