Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Vodka burrito was a success

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please