Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Ovenable?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
fun fact: nike is short for nichael