Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Owl Sanctuary
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.