Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.