Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m awake but I object,
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.