Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Morning.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”