Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

My what?

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?