Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The first one, obviously
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go