Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long