Thoughts
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”