Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’m confused about plants
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife