Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road