@timdonakowski

Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

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@MooseAllain

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

@BBQJones28

Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@Lovestained555

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@WetMascara

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.