Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

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“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”


Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.


Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.


They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.


Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…


Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”


Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.


If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.