Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”