Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

🏙👨🏼

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.