Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
How I like cutting carbs
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.