Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Not helping

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

😂😂

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE