What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing