Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”

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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together


[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm


Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls


BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.


HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*


I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out