wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”
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judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out