When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.