Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.