Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
.. do you even science?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea