Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.