Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
why isn’t he texting back
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur