Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
So inspired right now.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”