Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Yup.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all