Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

my retirement plan is braless

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir