Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
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2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out