Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.