Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
And that about sums it up.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
I’m tired tomorrow.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever