[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”