(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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People with short hair don’t get dandruff, they get Pixie dust.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
How it started: How it’s going:
