(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit