(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
accurate
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
SONOFA
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.