(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for![]()
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just me?
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.