Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
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Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine