Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

😝

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Oh no

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me