Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Saturday
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.