Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Harsh but fair

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

m’lady