Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.