Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.