Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
🤣
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
never compromise your values
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.