Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.