Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I laughed at this way too hard.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first