Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

*orders delivery*

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Jesus Christ lmao