Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
let’s discuss
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Saw online –
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Steam Forums
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?