Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Never let them know your next move 😂