Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?