three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
