Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

December birthdays be like…

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Shower sex be like:

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did