Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please