Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.