Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

sometimes i miss this memes

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH