Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Kids, do not try this at home!
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
me linking you to my twitter
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.