Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
You Might Also Like
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.