Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.