three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
🗽
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
tfw you realize …
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
