three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
