Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

work smarter, not harder

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit