Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction