Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Joseph Smith, 1833

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body