Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

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Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]


Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this


I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did


Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.


Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.