Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Three things that are certain in life~
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
pokes it in the eye