Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy