three things we don’t talk about
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parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
We avoided this particular disaster