Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Lmfaoooooo
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour