@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

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@allyneedy

A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath

@daddydoubts

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

@AnniemuMary

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening