A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
if i was noah id have left geese behind
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening