I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
He who must not be selfied.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
At least he brought enough for everyone
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]