@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

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@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

@SarcasticAlly12

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

@IGN

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@jonnysun

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]