Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible