Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..