Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

“HELP WITH CAT”

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Yes, this is exactly right

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Goodnight 🐶

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.